Yeah i know I’ve made dumb choices a lot. Can’t even tell where it started. But the worst thing is I’ve compounded them by fear.
The fear of being considered selfish, a coward, a loser among a whole lot more. I don’t know what the way forward is. My childhood trauma wiped away all my faith in religion (Don’t get me wrong, I believe in God )
Over the years, I somehow began shutting down, mentally and emotionally, crept to a corner and let the pain eat me, hoping it was dark enough so that nobody could see me.
So yeah, I know I’m a screw up.
The knowledge that every day brings new challenges and change is inevitable scares the crap out of me! Worse still is the generic “Take it easy” or “things will get better ” don’t really resonate. What I get is more of they’re thinking “enough already with your issues ” or “get a life “.
Hence my dilemma. I can choose to end it all, leave my kids wondering why I chose death over them. Else I can try acting as though everything is o.k. wishing I survive another ten years or so, since they’ll be adults by then, and hope I die (hopefully a quick painless death)