Hardest challenges in my life

At times I have to wonder if the lessons learnt from childhood were supposed to prepare me for an alternate universe.
This is mainly because it seems I’m the only one who values things like;

  • being courteous (please, thanks, etc)
  • respectful
  • trusting (unless proven otherwise)
  • Or maybe I’ve lived beyond the time when such was important. I mean when I see the way people behave (and not the young generation only) I wonder what kind of future our kids will have to face.

    I pray I’m wrong!

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    Voices in the dark of my minds

    I want to scream, cry or sleep,
    All these thoughts from the deep
    Lose the focus and in they creep
    Dear God, for me let them weep

    Moving, I’ve become an automation
    Day to day I survive without a notion
    T’was my lot, an overload of emotion
    A struggle, but building whose nation

    “Things will be better” that they said
    No one noticed as I slowly fade
    In the light of life I am now a shade
    Mucking about in the mess I made

    Worry not, I’m not ready to leave
    Though its tough I won’t pass that line
    Bad as it seems, still its a life
    Tomorrow I’ll be here, I just have to live

    Call it what you want – **it happens!

    So I’ve been reading, or trying to. Mainly to understand my recent black mood and ways to handle it. Although it’s been improving of late, the fear it created was monumental.

    Being in a place where it is economically hard to see a psychiatrist constantly. All that we are left with is to find our own solutions or ways to cope.

    All this landed me to the following pages. Which give me hope to go on.Inside a Tipping Point and 5 Warning Signs That Could Be Your Tipping Point.

    The reason I needed this “hope” was because, even after being told so, I still held on to the belief that if I stayed on my meds as prescribed, I’d be on my way to a better managed life. Sure enough there has been improvements, small as they seem, that I notice.

    Behold the POWER!!!!

    Man to man is so unjust, children:
    Ya don't know who to trust.
    Your worst enemy could be your best friend,
    And your best friend your worst enemy.
    Some will eat and drink with you,
    Then behind them su-su 'pon you.
    Only your friend know your secrets,
    So only he could reveal it.
    And who the cap fit, let them wear it!
    Today was one of those days that I wonder why I got up at all. By afternoon I was totally burning brain cells by the million. It all begun with a letter that arrived in the office concerning an ancient incident and no one was there to handle the issue. After spending almost an hour searching for the previous correspondences, of which were mysteriously missing, the next thing a technical issue arose that had to be sorted out (by yours truly – naturally). During all this hullabaloo, I suddenly got an insight that lead me to this conclusion.

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    HELP!!! I’ve Been Taken Hostage!

    Another rainy week here. So here I am reminiscing on my journey through life. All those 'wrong' turns I've taken, in my relations, my career and my lifestyle. And the glaring conclusion is that I let my condition take me hostage!

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    I WILL let you down!

    Over the last few days I have been playing back a few of the incidents that have happened over the years concerning my relation with people I  came across. Some were (fewer still are) my friends, acquaintances and relatives.

    Armed with a better understanding of my condition and how I reacted to situations that presented themselves, I’ve come to that conclusion.

    That's something I know. Some may feel I failed them, others may despise me or get mad at me (maybe all of the above). But WHY???

    Continue »

    Changes that are welcome….or so I hope.

    I need some sleep

    Time to put the old horse down

    I’m in too deep

    And the wheels keep spinning ’round

    Everyone says I’m getting’ down too low

    Everyone says you just gotta let it go

    Eels – I need some sleep

    So my meds seem to be working in a way, but with my ADHD I can’t be too sure. At least now when my angry moods pop up, I can walk away to depressurize.

    But the major challenge is my job which requires me to stay connected from 8.00 am to 6.00 pm, handling calls and queries from at least 60 outlets at a rate of a least 10 to 30 calls per hour. the problem lies in the fact that with my condition some queries are of the kind you feel like asking the caller “Are you serious?” or “Duh!”

    For us we are blessed with this condition, it is easy to see solutions so fast at times that our peers end up looking dumb (from our point of view). The challenge is avoiding projecting that to them in a way that demeans or puts them down.

    Remember that advice we always hear ‘”When you are angry, count to 10 before speaking?” Guess what, I do count, but with so many channels working simultaneously it takes less than a second. While the other channels are still carrying over the heat of the argument. So I end up opening my mouth so soon and BAM!! We’re at it again!

    So I’m trying out telling people on phone to give me a few minutes to get back to them so that I can get a few minutes to lower my pressure. Problem is, I may forget who I was on the phone with or find more calls awaiting me so its kind of back to square one.

    Chris

    P.S. So I found out one of my meds was sleeping pills, though I find myself up 4 or 5 hrs later. Need to have a talk with my doc about that.

    P.P.S. on further reflection it may be the anxiety that was caused by having to travel while a decision was about to be announced that the outcome would cause friction and dissatisfaction to one part of the nation or the other.

    Darn this wagon thing.

    We are all creatures of habit. We can do most things without even thinking about them; our bodies take charge and do them for us. – Earl Nightingale

    So it has been one of those couple of days, more like weeks, where all I had planned to do failed to materialize. Not because of unforeseen circumstances or interruptions, but cause I fell off the wagon.
    Having lived without knowing what was affecting me, I had gotten so used to breaking promises that I made to myself (few as they were). I’m the kind of fellow who doesn’t bother with things like ‘New Year Resolutions’ because I know most of them used to be forgotten within the first week of January.
    To compound on this is the fact that since childhood, I had no idea what a diary was for. Not that I had one, mind you, but the idea that I should note down what I planned to do later was an alien concept. This is a reality for most people I’ve known or met within our country.
    Not to say that they do not manage. But if you’ve heard of the phrase “African Time” you’d understand, we Africans don’t set our timings with the military precision most western countries do. So if we are to meet at 2.00 p.m. as long as I make it before evening I’m on time. And with the enhanced abilities I have it means I may show up as late as a week after.
    Anyway, getting back to what i was talking of. I was in the midst of coming to terms with the new life I have and what I have to do to “fit in” with the rest of society. After reading about how meditation, Yoga and a stable and healthy diet I came up with a simple (chuckle) schedule consisting of 3 items.
    1. Yoga in the morning once I’m up (still trying to master the Sun salutation)
    2. Reach the office 1 hr before reporting time to get a chance to add to my blog
    3. Meditation before sleeping (when the amount of interference is lowest)
    Well. I’m proud to say that I managed it for a week before I fell off. I’m still trying to figure out what triggered my fall. Maybe is the change of medications (I was moved from Zosert to Stilnox and Encorate) or the simple fact that I got late travelling back last Monday. Whatever the reason I suddenly found myself getting up late, losing focus more and more, and failing to meet my basic schedule. Luckily, Easter is here with us so I’m hoping to dedicate Good Friday to a bit more soul-searching.
    Have yourselves a programmed week. Cheers!

    Boundaries.

    If she is wrong, try show her the right,

    No need to quarrel, no need to make a fight.
    Not the way – Gregory Isaacs

    I just watched an interesting video on setting boundaries here

    It gives a great insight to what both parties experience and also how to cope with issues. Speaking from my own perspective, I usually find that stuff that needs to be done in a hurry, snap decisions during discussions and repetitive queries usually end up being avoided or ignored.
    Seriously! If you want a vague answer keep pressuring me, you’ll get it. It’s not that I’m avoiding the question but all this multiple channels have to process the data. On top of that I will avoid giving an answer until I feel I have all the facts required to give my answer.
    So, be patient.