Don’t know what else I can call it.
I’ve been struggling with depression, stress and addiction for the last few months. I don’t know if I should call it addiction or alcoholism, since I can spend a week or even a month without a drink but when I hit the bottle(s), I won’t stop till its morning, or I’m out of cash! (Usually its the latter).
My social skills are next to zero. I cannot hold a conversation for more than a few minutes without going off on a weird vector leaving the other wondering, and in the process embarrassing myself more. Although this doesn’t happen often since I rarely start any conversations. ( Yes. I’m the fella you see standing at the corner, looking out of place in gatherings, usually with a sweaty brow, trying my invisibility powers!) I am most comfortable when I’m behind closed doors, churning out ideas and solutions, as long as I stay faceless. Guess that’s why IT is my forte.
I also have this problem with reality that really sucks! I will have talks with people only later to realize it was all in my head. So I’m always looking confused. Some tell me is because I’m lonely, living by myself for so long, with my wife and kids so far away, but seriously, how can it be true since I cannot hold any kind of meaningful conversation with anyone. Furthermore, my concentration levels are nil.
Luckily, I have this deep aversion to pain else I’d have done myself in a long time ago. I always feel like I am a burden to everyone, and I hate it. I also hate the fact that I am too sensitive to other peoples feelings (empathy shit!!) Which makes a yoyo seem stationery compared to my moods swings. Due to this, I will compromise myself in an effort not to inconvenience, hurt or anger others (not that anyone says I’ve done it)
Another major problem is thoughts, those that surface in my mind and I cannot shake them off. Like I may be falling asleep and a stray thought will just pop up “tomorrow I will stay in bed” and that’s what happens. I cannot fight it, I’ll try forgetting the thought. But the more I try the more it reaffirms itself and by morning it is a fact!
I remember when I was on Ritalin, sleeping pills and antidepressants, everything was looking great. I’d be so motivated and focused that people thought I’d discovered paradise. Then the person I held most dear to me went and messed me up in such a way that for the first time in my life I attempted suicide.
Of late I have been reminiscing on the feeling I had, as I popped one pill after another, how calm it felt, how happy I was knowing that I was finally going to be free! But I digress, what I really need is to get back on medication, firstly. The next would be to start letting go of anything that is a lost cause. (OK that is the hardest part) but how can I do that when I cannot even speak of these things to my psychiatrist? I just clam up once the session begins!
Am I going mad? (Which may be a relief in its own way!) Or should I just say “fuck it” and die???????