Dancing with demons!

Don’t know what else I can call it.

I’ve been struggling with depression, stress and addiction for the last few months. I don’t know if I should call it addiction or alcoholism, since I can spend a week or even a month without a drink but when I hit the bottle(s), I won’t stop till its morning, or I’m out of cash! (Usually its the latter).

My social skills are next to zero. I cannot hold a conversation for more than a few minutes without going off on a weird vector leaving the other wondering, and in the process embarrassing myself more. Although this doesn’t happen often since I rarely start any conversations. ( Yes. I’m the fella you see standing at the corner, looking out of place in gatherings, usually with a sweaty brow, trying my invisibility powers!) I am most comfortable when I’m behind closed doors, churning out ideas and solutions, as long as I stay faceless. Guess that’s why IT is my forte.

I also have this problem with reality that really sucks! I will have talks with people only later to realize it was all in my head. So I’m always looking confused. Some tell me is because I’m lonely, living by myself for so long, with my wife and kids so far away, but seriously, how can it be true since I cannot hold any kind of meaningful conversation with anyone. Furthermore, my concentration levels are nil.

Luckily, I have this deep aversion to pain else I’d have done myself in a long time ago. I always feel like I am a burden to everyone, and I hate it. I also hate the fact that I am too sensitive to other peoples feelings (empathy shit!!) Which makes a yoyo seem stationery compared to my moods swings. Due to this, I will compromise myself in an effort not to inconvenience, hurt or anger others (not that anyone says I’ve done it)

Another major problem is thoughts, those that surface in my mind and I cannot shake them off. Like I may be falling asleep and a stray thought will just pop up “tomorrow I will stay in bed” and that’s what happens. I cannot fight it, I’ll try forgetting the thought. But the more I try the more it reaffirms itself and by morning it is a fact!

I remember when I was on Ritalin, sleeping pills and antidepressants, everything was looking great. I’d be so motivated and focused that people thought I’d discovered paradise. Then the person I held most dear to me went and messed me up in such a way that for the first time in my life I attempted suicide.

Of late I have been reminiscing on the feeling I had, as I popped one pill after another, how calm it felt, how happy I was knowing that I was finally going to be free! But I digress, what I really need is to get back on medication, firstly. The next would be to start letting go of anything that is a lost cause. (OK that is the hardest part) but how can I do that when I cannot even speak of these things to my psychiatrist? I just clam up once the session begins!

Am I going mad? (Which may be a relief in its own way!) Or should I just say “fuck it” and die???????

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How do you fight Depression

So my depression has been building up slowly over the past few weeks. Funny thing is I have no conscious idea of what is causing it.

Guess it is this multiple channels of thought. So by yesterday evening it had built up to a point I just couldn’t get to sleep at all. So finally I got to catch some sleep at 6am, only to be woken up at 11.00 am our mail server having crashed!!!

So here I am at 2.00 am finally, (after having to install a new mail software – don’t even wonder the learning curve involved), hungry, tired and in need of a hot bath. But then again, I have to be up by 8.00 am since I have to guide all the other users on changes to be effected on their PC’s!

Yeah, that really did some god to my black mood, but I know tomorrow they’ll be one hell of a payback awaiting me. I just wish we had a way for this government to subsidize medication, since its too darn expensive and I have to get back on it soonest.

Have a stress free night!

Eff’d up. ¿Again?

OK. Either I’m the biggest screw-up, or I should be on constant medication, and monitoring.

Disregarding, the above, what in all that’s holy is going on with me??? I’ve been having too much short-temper situations popping up all the past two weeks. If knot that, its either jumping from one mess into another (bigger) one.

So here I am wondering “is it me? Is this my lot in life? Is it really worth going on?” Seriously though, its not once or twice, I’ve woken up I’m the morning of late and thought I’d be better off dead. At least then these thoughts would finally be put to rest for good. Luckily I still have a few anchors, though weakening more each day, to hold me in this plane of existence.

So I hope everyday, and pray, that either the anchors hold, or things turn around for the better.

I just hope for the latter!

What do you think?

Do you feel at times it would be better if you were totally insane. Feel like a lobotomy may end your suffering/pain while at the same time, you have no idea what is causing it.

You just get tired of it all. This race without a finish line, without a break, nobody to help you through.

The small wins you had, fade away.
Like mist in the sunshine.
Ghosts. can’t hear what they say.
Your failures, the headlines.

Pickin myself up

Hi.
Its been a while since I popped here. Was kinda busy doing an(other) evaluation of where I was heading as opposed to where I wanted to be.
Now I’m planning on a way to move on since I’m on the wrong path. This will involve some major changes in both work and living, but I really have to!
The longer I stay the more I stagnate – especially once I lost the spark that made my work worthwhile to me.

Have a blessed day!

Darkness!!!

Its a bright and sunny day. At least for the rest of humanity here in Nakuru.

Not for me though. Ever heard the phrase ‘if looks could kill’? For me, I feel that way.

I’m not a violent person, thank God. But the inner darkness, the thoughts flowing through my mind are like a holocaust.

And yes, I’m in the office, struggling to stay sane, especially with all the s**t that’s being flung my way. (Imaginations perhaps)

Call it what you want – **it happens!

So I’ve been reading, or trying to. Mainly to understand my recent black mood and ways to handle it. Although it’s been improving of late, the fear it created was monumental.

Being in a place where it is economically hard to see a psychiatrist constantly. All that we are left with is to find our own solutions or ways to cope.

All this landed me to the following pages. Which give me hope to go on.Inside a Tipping Point and 5 Warning Signs That Could Be Your Tipping Point.

The reason I needed this “hope” was because, even after being told so, I still held on to the belief that if I stayed on my meds as prescribed, I’d be on my way to a better managed life. Sure enough there has been improvements, small as they seem, that I notice.

Behold the POWER!!!!

Man to man is so unjust, children:
Ya don't know who to trust.
Your worst enemy could be your best friend,
And your best friend your worst enemy.
Some will eat and drink with you,
Then behind them su-su 'pon you.
Only your friend know your secrets,
So only he could reveal it.
And who the cap fit, let them wear it!
Today was one of those days that I wonder why I got up at all. By afternoon I was totally burning brain cells by the million. It all begun with a letter that arrived in the office concerning an ancient incident and no one was there to handle the issue. After spending almost an hour searching for the previous correspondences, of which were mysteriously missing, the next thing a technical issue arose that had to be sorted out (by yours truly – naturally). During all this hullabaloo, I suddenly got an insight that lead me to this conclusion.

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