what the ???

So today I had a rude awakening. Apparently our landlord’s son had an argument with the father and for some unknown reason he decided to break all the windows of 2 of our vehicles.

Go figure!

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What do you think?

Do you feel at times it would be better if you were totally insane. Feel like a lobotomy may end your suffering/pain while at the same time, you have no idea what is causing it.

You just get tired of it all. This race without a finish line, without a break, nobody to help you through.

The small wins you had, fade away.
Like mist in the sunshine.
Ghosts. can’t hear what they say.
Your failures, the headlines.

Voices in the dark of my minds

I want to scream, cry or sleep,
All these thoughts from the deep
Lose the focus and in they creep
Dear God, for me let them weep

Moving, I’ve become an automation
Day to day I survive without a notion
T’was my lot, an overload of emotion
A struggle, but building whose nation

“Things will be better” that they said
No one noticed as I slowly fade
In the light of life I am now a shade
Mucking about in the mess I made

Worry not, I’m not ready to leave
Though its tough I won’t pass that line
Bad as it seems, still its a life
Tomorrow I’ll be here, I just have to live

Long time gone

True, I’ve been missing for the last month.

MONTH???!! Really? It’s been that long?

O.K. The blame lies with me. Once more I went and forgot I had agreed with myself to take a few projects only, until I got accustomed, and stick to my schedule. PROMISES!

Unfortunately, challenges arose from all directions, or maybe its just that I had not yet noticed them previously. From fighting with the landlord (in the process realized there are no laws protecting tenants whose rent is in the range of $35 – $180 p.m. – Go figure!), utility providers to work related stuff.

Anyway, enough about that.

Organizing Aids:

I’m slowly adapting to utilizing aids in helping me organize my day-to-day activities. I’ve settled on Google Calendar for now (though I may stay with it for long). Especially now that most mobile phones are coming with the Android platform thus it is easy to synchronize and automatically back-up my schedule to Google, easing the worry of losing my phone. Also works with my BlackBerry calendar (Hooray!!!)

Next project:

I’ve been slacking out on my yoga (pot-bellies and yoga are not buddies – ouch) and meditation for a long time. So I’m going to have to begin again. The other challenge will be to quit smoking.

Achievements:

For now the one thing I’m proudest of is that I’ve finally kicked alcohol (3 months on the wagon!!!!)

Goodnight all!

Call it what you want – **it happens!

So I’ve been reading, or trying to. Mainly to understand my recent black mood and ways to handle it. Although it’s been improving of late, the fear it created was monumental.

Being in a place where it is economically hard to see a psychiatrist constantly. All that we are left with is to find our own solutions or ways to cope.

All this landed me to the following pages. Which give me hope to go on.Inside a Tipping Point and 5 Warning Signs That Could Be Your Tipping Point.

The reason I needed this “hope” was because, even after being told so, I still held on to the belief that if I stayed on my meds as prescribed, I’d be on my way to a better managed life. Sure enough there has been improvements, small as they seem, that I notice.

Behold the POWER!!!!

Man to man is so unjust, children:
Ya don't know who to trust.
Your worst enemy could be your best friend,
And your best friend your worst enemy.
Some will eat and drink with you,
Then behind them su-su 'pon you.
Only your friend know your secrets,
So only he could reveal it.
And who the cap fit, let them wear it!
Today was one of those days that I wonder why I got up at all. By afternoon I was totally burning brain cells by the million. It all begun with a letter that arrived in the office concerning an ancient incident and no one was there to handle the issue. After spending almost an hour searching for the previous correspondences, of which were mysteriously missing, the next thing a technical issue arose that had to be sorted out (by yours truly – naturally). During all this hullabaloo, I suddenly got an insight that lead me to this conclusion.

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HELP!!! I’ve Been Taken Hostage!

Another rainy week here. So here I am reminiscing on my journey through life. All those 'wrong' turns I've taken, in my relations, my career and my lifestyle. And the glaring conclusion is that I let my condition take me hostage!

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I WILL let you down!

Over the last few days I have been playing back a few of the incidents that have happened over the years concerning my relation with people I  came across. Some were (fewer still are) my friends, acquaintances and relatives.

Armed with a better understanding of my condition and how I reacted to situations that presented themselves, I’ve come to that conclusion.

That's something I know. Some may feel I failed them, others may despise me or get mad at me (maybe all of the above). But WHY???

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Changes that are welcome….or so I hope.

I need some sleep

Time to put the old horse down

I’m in too deep

And the wheels keep spinning ’round

Everyone says I’m getting’ down too low

Everyone says you just gotta let it go

Eels – I need some sleep

So my meds seem to be working in a way, but with my ADHD I can’t be too sure. At least now when my angry moods pop up, I can walk away to depressurize.

But the major challenge is my job which requires me to stay connected from 8.00 am to 6.00 pm, handling calls and queries from at least 60 outlets at a rate of a least 10 to 30 calls per hour. the problem lies in the fact that with my condition some queries are of the kind you feel like asking the caller “Are you serious?” or “Duh!”

For us we are blessed with this condition, it is easy to see solutions so fast at times that our peers end up looking dumb (from our point of view). The challenge is avoiding projecting that to them in a way that demeans or puts them down.

Remember that advice we always hear ‘”When you are angry, count to 10 before speaking?” Guess what, I do count, but with so many channels working simultaneously it takes less than a second. While the other channels are still carrying over the heat of the argument. So I end up opening my mouth so soon and BAM!! We’re at it again!

So I’m trying out telling people on phone to give me a few minutes to get back to them so that I can get a few minutes to lower my pressure. Problem is, I may forget who I was on the phone with or find more calls awaiting me so its kind of back to square one.

Chris

P.S. So I found out one of my meds was sleeping pills, though I find myself up 4 or 5 hrs later. Need to have a talk with my doc about that.

P.P.S. on further reflection it may be the anxiety that was caused by having to travel while a decision was about to be announced that the outcome would cause friction and dissatisfaction to one part of the nation or the other.