Of lost causes and the mundane

Yes,  I am still alive.

No,  it’s not that I’ve got better at handling my life. For the past months it’s even become worse and fatigue has drained me to a point where just getting out of bed was a monumental struggle, not that I was getting sleep.

I just don’t know.

That’s the bare truth, I just take each moment as it comes, hoping some how I will make it to the next. And praying that if things go sideways someone will remember me kindly.

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The story so far. …

Yeah i know I’ve made dumb choices a lot.  Can’t even tell where it started. But the worst thing is I’ve compounded them by fear.

The fear of being considered selfish,  a coward,  a loser among a whole lot more. I don’t know what the way forward is. My childhood trauma wiped away all my faith in religion  (Don’t get me wrong,  I believe in God )

Over the years,  I somehow began shutting down,  mentally and emotionally,  crept to a corner and let the pain eat me, hoping it was dark enough so that nobody could see me.

So yeah,  I know I’m a screw up.

The knowledge that every day brings new challenges and change is inevitable scares the crap out of me! Worse still is the generic “Take it easy” or “things will get better ” don’t really resonate. What I get is more of they’re thinking  “enough already with your issues ” or “get a life “.

Hence my dilemma.  I can choose to end it all,  leave my kids wondering why I chose death over them. Else I can try acting as though everything is o.k. wishing I survive another ten years or so, since they’ll be adults by then, and hope I die (hopefully a quick painless death) 

Carry on.

There’s a great buddy in my group whose handle is “Carry on. ” The poem below is inspired by her.

Looking back on the life I’ve  lead.
The graphic images playing in my head,
Of wasted years, my life half spent,
“Don’t look back,” a small voice said.

“You still have some years, so go  ahead,”
Your crushed dreams and soul will mend,
A friend or two, their strength they’ll lend,
If they hear the pleas that which you send.

And years from now, when at life’s end,
Old and gray, with a back that’s  bent,
You’ll gladly say, though astray I went,
I did some good, my life well spent.

The Secret most people knew!

Life’s never fair. And no that’s not it. It’s the fact that when it comes down to the nitty-gritty nobody gives a (insert your favourite expression here) about you and what you’re going through.

The worst part is that many feign experiences so they can fit in with us, then form friendships that are, to me, just for the sake.

Having said that,  there are those that genuinely are struggling to get help, and most often end up in the grips of the pretenders. Taken in as “projects ” with a big “F#$* You ” waiting at the end.

Having been put through that particular wringer myself I only feel sadness for my kin. Hopefully they’ll realize it before it’s done to them.

On the other hand,  there’s a few groups that are really supportive, and I applaud them for their work. Interesting enough most are being formed by teens, which in my opinion,  is a good way to relate with others undergoing the same,  is scary as in the only way they can be assisted is through the internet, with its minions looking to prey on the young and vulnerable.  Thus for the parents,  please try to understand your child’s struggles,  especially with the new generation,  of whom we need to reeducate ourselves to communicate to. As for the teens out there looking,  take the utmost care wherever you mingle online,  though it may sound like the same old song I’m singing!!

Have yourselves a slow and easy weekend!

Laters.

I apologize.

Dear reader,

Please accept my humble apologies. What am I apologizing for? Well that’s a million dollar question.

Firstly, I ceased posting. The reason was that I was yet to hit the bottom,  hard!
Yeah, I did reach a new low. Shattering all the dreams and hopes I had lied to myself I had and could attain.

Secondly,  I got tired of finding I was always posting “negativish” stuff all the time. Maybe in the process alienating you. It sucks to read that drivel every time, I know. Oh how I know!

The other is that I believe I’ve been living in fantasia all the while. What I said and did having no basis in reality. Go figure.  And while the fantasy had a few good moments,  it had to be shattered,  sooner or later.

Having said all that,  this doesn’t mean I’m finally out of the woods,  revelling in the sunny meadows.
Yes, I will and am, struggling to make sense of the messed-up caricature of a life. The journey is still far from over  (forget the fact that the destination is still not known )

So for those that are still willing to journey with me. Belt up, keep your arms and other appendages within the carriage at all times, and let’s begin this leg of the voyage.

Feel free to jump off at any time.

Regards,

Bounce

A few weeks ago I was at a low I haven’t been to for a very long time.
After spending a week hospitalized (I couldn’t see the point of continuing with this life ) I have slowly bounced back. My only worry is that I’ve been on the up side longer than any other time I can think of.
Thanks to a support group online I may yet make it this time round.
Have a nice week.

Addiction

I’m trying to wrap my mind round the meaning of addiction for my kind and its too much.

Simple stuff like watching telly, reading a novel or even going online to check my mail can end up being a 12-24hr marathon.  Guess it the distraction part of me.

And while some activities may not pose a major risk. There are those that do. I can do without alcohol even for months but the minute I take a bottle it ends up being an all night, take no prisoners, to hell with the rest kind of drinking.

The reality of this usually hits the next evening, taking me into a deep spiral of depression and self-loathing that can last days or more.

Somewhere along the net I read about an app that you can place a constant reminder of how long you’ve gone without drinking. Only to have it running for a week before I set a new record the minute I slipped.

That’s not to say the app is to blame.  But on the other hand the reminder of what I’m avoiding, especially when I’ve come from ending a frustrating call does make the bottle more appealing.

I’m giving it a few more weeks before I pass judgement on how helpful it really is.

Yep. Lost track of what I was about.