Living Damoclesly!

Greetings to the living. (Rant warning)

How does it feel to know your place and keep track of your plans.

Do you marvel at the blessings you have, or take it for granted? I do sometimes wish I could be like you. But again looking at what you do with them, I feel sorry for you all.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m better than you, nor is it that I’m wiser than you. Actually I know I’m considered stupid, ignorant and a big pain in the ‘you know where’ by most.
I have screwed up more than most people. My priorities, when I mange to recall them are so confusing. Then there are those missing days where one simple thought or comment take me spiraling into the quagmire that is my brain.
When I hear it said that being alive is a blessing, it doesn’t feel even remotely true. To me it’s more of a private purgatory, more pronounced since I have to constantly interact with the living.

“You can hear the coming storm, all you can do is wonder when it will hit you”

Of lost causes and the mundane

Yes,  I am still alive.

No,  it’s not that I’ve got better at handling my life. For the past months it’s even become worse and fatigue has drained me to a point where just getting out of bed was a monumental struggle, not that I was getting sleep.

I just don’t know.

That’s the bare truth, I just take each moment as it comes, hoping some how I will make it to the next. And praying that if things go sideways someone will remember me kindly.

The story so far. …

Yeah i know I’ve made dumb choices a lot.  Can’t even tell where it started. But the worst thing is I’ve compounded them by fear.

The fear of being considered selfish,  a coward,  a loser among a whole lot more. I don’t know what the way forward is. My childhood trauma wiped away all my faith in religion  (Don’t get me wrong,  I believe in God )

Over the years,  I somehow began shutting down,  mentally and emotionally,  crept to a corner and let the pain eat me, hoping it was dark enough so that nobody could see me.

So yeah,  I know I’m a screw up.

The knowledge that every day brings new challenges and change is inevitable scares the crap out of me! Worse still is the generic “Take it easy” or “things will get better ” don’t really resonate. What I get is more of they’re thinking  “enough already with your issues ” or “get a life “.

Hence my dilemma.  I can choose to end it all,  leave my kids wondering why I chose death over them. Else I can try acting as though everything is o.k. wishing I survive another ten years or so, since they’ll be adults by then, and hope I die (hopefully a quick painless death) 

Carry on.

There’s a great buddy in my group whose handle is “Carry on. ” The poem below is inspired by her.

Looking back on the life I’ve  lead.
The graphic images playing in my head,
Of wasted years, my life half spent,
“Don’t look back,” a small voice said.

“You still have some years, so go  ahead,”
Your crushed dreams and soul will mend,
A friend or two, their strength they’ll lend,
If they hear the pleas that which you send.

And years from now, when at life’s end,
Old and gray, with a back that’s  bent,
You’ll gladly say, though astray I went,
I did some good, my life well spent.