It is better to trust and be disappointed once in a while than it is to distrust and be miserable all the time. ~ Abraham Lincoln
As you have gleaned by now, we are dealing with damaged goods. The damages began decades ago, you know. During that age where we revered all adults as the wisest and infallible.
Then I grew up, with the scars and injuries slowly festering, unseen. The period of teen love/infatuation went by with guarded emotions, never understanding why I’d get dumped every time.
Of course those abortive liaisons were like salt poured on the aforementioned injuries. By then I had no idea of what was going on inside and took it for granted.
Soon I’d already finished my schooling period and joined the real world. Now on top of socializing, we have bosses and all manner of clients that are only concerned with how much they can retain.
Somewhere along I dropped my guard, believing I’d found “the one”. For a season everything looked great, even I had a spring in my step. The injuries were even a shadow of a memory. Guess what?
Somehow an idea was born that if I was given a few more scars, I would become a better partner. Mayhaps the plan was to inject a little jealousy, for me to fight for what I had. Or maybe a little insecurity to make me more malleable.
As the saying goes “The best laid plans of mice and men..”
Greetings to the living. (Rant warning)
How does it feel to know your place and keep track of your plans.
Do you marvel at the blessings you have, or take it for granted? I do sometimes wish I could be like you. But again looking at what you do with them, I feel sorry for you all.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m better than you, nor is it that I’m wiser than you. Actually I know I’m considered stupid, ignorant and a big pain in the ‘you know where’ by most.
I have screwed up more than most people. My priorities, when I mange to recall them are so confusing. Then there are those missing days where one simple thought or comment take me spiraling into the quagmire that is my brain.
When I hear it said that being alive is a blessing, it doesn’t feel even remotely true. To me it’s more of a private purgatory, more pronounced since I have to constantly interact with the living.
“You can hear the coming storm, all you can do is wonder when it will hit you”
Yes, I am still alive.
No, it’s not that I’ve got better at handling my life. For the past months it’s even become worse and fatigue has drained me to a point where just getting out of bed was a monumental struggle, not that I was getting sleep.
I just don’t know.
That’s the bare truth, I just take each moment as it comes, hoping some how I will make it to the next. And praying that if things go sideways someone will remember me kindly.
First post. No words!
Update : had a break at Lake Naivasha, breathtakingly nice
Yeah i know I’ve made dumb choices a lot. Can’t even tell where it started. But the worst thing is I’ve compounded them by fear.
The fear of being considered selfish, a coward, a loser among a whole lot more. I don’t know what the way forward is. My childhood trauma wiped away all my faith in religion (Don’t get me wrong, I believe in God )
Over the years, I somehow began shutting down, mentally and emotionally, crept to a corner and let the pain eat me, hoping it was dark enough so that nobody could see me.
So yeah, I know I’m a screw up.
The knowledge that every day brings new challenges and change is inevitable scares the crap out of me! Worse still is the generic “Take it easy” or “things will get better ” don’t really resonate. What I get is more of they’re thinking “enough already with your issues ” or “get a life “.
Hence my dilemma. I can choose to end it all, leave my kids wondering why I chose death over them. Else I can try acting as though everything is o.k. wishing I survive another ten years or so, since they’ll be adults by then, and hope I die (hopefully a quick painless death)
Why I thought anyone could help
This demons away from my head
Just another useless dream
Alone I stay as I scream
Tis been too long I had a drink,
Keep teetering on the brink,
Hope my strength doesn’t flunk,
And find myself totally drunk!
There’s a great buddy in my group whose handle is “Carry on. ” The poem below is inspired by her.
Looking back on the life I’ve lead.
The graphic images playing in my head,
Of wasted years, my life half spent,
“Don’t look back,” a small voice said.
“You still have some years, so go ahead,”
Your crushed dreams and soul will mend,
A friend or two, their strength they’ll lend,
If they hear the pleas that which you send.
And years from now, when at life’s end,
Old and gray, with a back that’s bent,
You’ll gladly say, though astray I went,
I did some good, my life well spent.
Life’s never fair. And no that’s not it. It’s the fact that when it comes down to the nitty-gritty nobody gives a (insert your favourite expression here) about you and what you’re going through.
The worst part is that many feign experiences so they can fit in with us, then form friendships that are, to me, just for the sake.
Having said that, there are those that genuinely are struggling to get help, and most often end up in the grips of the pretenders. Taken in as “projects ” with a big “F#$* You ” waiting at the end.
Having been put through that particular wringer myself I only feel sadness for my kin. Hopefully they’ll realize it before it’s done to them.
On the other hand, there’s a few groups that are really supportive, and I applaud them for their work. Interesting enough most are being formed by teens, which in my opinion, is a good way to relate with others undergoing the same, is scary as in the only way they can be assisted is through the internet, with its minions looking to prey on the young and vulnerable. Thus for the parents, please try to understand your child’s struggles, especially with the new generation, of whom we need to reeducate ourselves to communicate to. As for the teens out there looking, take the utmost care wherever you mingle online, though it may sound like the same old song I’m singing!!
Have yourselves a slow and easy weekend!
Please accept my humble apologies. What am I apologizing for? Well that’s a million dollar question.
Firstly, I ceased posting. The reason was that I was yet to hit the bottom, hard!
Yeah, I did reach a new low. Shattering all the dreams and hopes I had lied to myself I had and could attain.
Secondly, I got tired of finding I was always posting “negativish” stuff all the time. Maybe in the process alienating you. It sucks to read that drivel every time, I know. Oh how I know!
The other is that I believe I’ve been living in fantasia all the while. What I said and did having no basis in reality. Go figure. And while the fantasy had a few good moments, it had to be shattered, sooner or later.
Having said all that, this doesn’t mean I’m finally out of the woods, revelling in the sunny meadows.
Yes, I will and am, struggling to make sense of the messed-up caricature of a life. The journey is still far from over (forget the fact that the destination is still not known )
So for those that are still willing to journey with me. Belt up, keep your arms and other appendages within the carriage at all times, and let’s begin this leg of the voyage.
Feel free to jump off at any time.